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A Game of Toys: Chapter 2 by ~TurboSilver:iconTurboSilver:



A Game of Toys | Chapter 2


“Tell me,” Alarik glanced at Faust, “why did you save me from Hell… and what exactly happened?”

“To put it bluntly, I didn’t save you.  A great big column of light did.”  Alarik gave a suspicious glance at Faust, but allowed him to continue, “As for what exactly happened, that was one of Hell’s games.  I don’t know much on the others, but out of all of them, the chase is by far one of the most amusing games for the residents of Hell.  More precisely, the game you ‘participated’ in was a chase (although, you probably realized this).  That creature chasing you was a shadow-beast.  Each game of the chase is a one-on-one situation.  It is set in an alternate dimension or room if you may, of Hell, where only you and the beast exist.  However, because I am a Watcher, I am able to enter these dimensions (though it took me quite a while to discover this).  Anyway, most souls do not survive.”

Pausing to think, Alarik glanced at the bright mid-morning sun, covering his eyes while doing so, “but what was your reason for saving me?  I don’t mean how (simply because I don’t care about the big, flashy column of white light).”

“According to what I said, I never said it was flashy, and in any case, for the length I had resided in Hell,” he began, “I came to realize that all souls are the same, and yet all are quite different.”

Irritated, Alarik began to fidget, “Yes, but what does this have to do about me? It’s not like I’m a soul in Hell anymore.”

“I’m getting to that.  Anyway, souls are the same in the case that they all have some form of regret.  They are different, though, by the nature.  By nature, I mean by how this manifests in Hell.  However, Alarik, there was something different about how yours manifested itself.  Besides, I’ve never seen a shadow-beast that large before, reminded me of an old cat I used to own, although it surprised me with the tentacles…”  Cocking his head, Faust had a faint smile on his face that washed away when he noticed Alarik’s gaze, “what, can’t I reminisce about an old friend?”

“Right… but what exactly did you mean by ‘manifest’?  Everyone else down there, pretty much looked the same.”

Chuckling slightly, Faust gave a slight grin, “if you’d taken a close look at each soul, you would have seen the shapes within their eyes.  When I first set foot in Hell, the first time I looked within the soul’s eyes, you would not imagine what I saw.”

“Whatever you say… although I am curious as to why I was in Hell.  Obviously something happened that was regretful, I just can’t recall, having memories of before would be a pleasant addition, also,” he said dryly.

Speaking slowly as if after much deliberation, Faust cast a wary glance at Alarik, “but what if that reason, is one that you would regret unearthing?  Wouldn’t that create an even larger problem?”

“I want to know who I am, Faust.  There has to be someone in the world hurting because of me, that I don’t know the reason for.  Besides, if I want to discover my regret, I might as well have my memories back to tell me.  So I probably should watch my life until then...”

Letting loose a faint smile, he nodded, “you do realize I’m coming with you... right?  Don’t make me regret saving you.”

“And don’t make me regret that contract.”

“Whatever you say… sir,” said Faust, grinning.
©2009 ~TurboSilver
:iconturbosilver:

Author's Comments

Chapter 2 of 'A Game of Toys'

So I lied. I worked on this on a notebook last night up until almost 11 or 12. I'm pleased with how it came out, but there are some strange bits. Critique is welcome.

Read my beta-reader's novel here: [link]

Comments


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:iconrozenincarnate:
Thanks for the link again ^^

I like this chapter, and I can't find much wrong so I'm gonna have to nit-pick again.

"“To put it bluntly, I didn’t save you. A great big column of light did.” Alarik gave a suspicious glance at Faust, but allowed him to continue, “As for what exactly happened, that was, to put it simply, one of Hell’s games. "

This little chunk seems...Stunted, I donno. I think its the repetition of "To put it Bluntly" and "To put it simply." I think you might want to say something like...
"As for what happened, that was just one of Hell's Games." and cut out the 'to put it simply' part. I think it would 'roll off the tongue' better, if you will.

Other than that I can't find anything >.<

OMG YOU'RE TURNING MAH PAGES!

--
"Fancy thinking the Beast was something you could hunt and kill! You knew, didn’t you? I’m part of you? Close, close, close! I’m the reason why it’s no go? Why things are what they are?"

-Lord of the Flies
:iconturbosilver:
... Hmm... no wonder why it sounded kinda funny... xD I will have to fix that.

xD I can't seem to find much to critique on yours, either. rofl.

xD Yours is turning my pages also.

Welcome for the link, btw. And thanks for the link. =3
:iconmizutorrent:
As for your writing, technically, it is very correct.

But I feel like its a little empty. More a little more descript about their expressions, their appearances.

When a character says something "dryly", you can imagine what it looks like, but can the audience. Where are they sitting? I know the sun is rising in his eyes, but as far as I know it was the only physical description of significance that I had seen so far.

Maybe some more adjectives and general physical behavior definition would improve the writing greatly. The longer the better.

And also; heighten your use of imagery. What is surrounding them? What do they look like exactly. How do they compare to each other physically? Some would say that the attitude of a character can provide some kind of physical inference, but i'd like to know more about them too :3

I hope I was helpful. You don't have to do any of these things. Its not like I'm a writing freakin' genius, but it helps to get any kind of advice you can get, right?

--
"Fucking great. I'm stuck with an objectively confused teenager and a sexually frigid chinese pimp wannabe..."
:iconturbosilver:
Neat, thanks.

I'll put put in edits once I'm in the right mind. xD
:iconmizutorrent:
xD. Thanks.

--
"Fucking great. I'm stuck with an objectively confused teenager and a sexually frigid chinese pimp wannabe..."

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